Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

By John Gray. This book can be found here. Gray gives tips, advice and suggestions for a healthier relationship with your other half. He shows differences between the two genders and then provides practical approaches to improve communication with the opposite gender.

Summary

Gender insight helps us to be more tolerant and forgiving when someone doesn't respond the way we think he or she should.
With new insight you have the added wisdom and power to change your approach rather than seeking to change your partner.
If you are seeking to use these insights to respect others in the ways that are important to them, this book can work for you.
The same ideas that enrich a healthy relationship will also assist couples in overcoming more challenging problems.
We are all conditioned to a great degree by small but consistent experiences of our partner.
We too easily blame our problems on our partners rather than our own approach.
Gender differences show up the most after getting involved in an intimate relationship, having children together, or when we are under a lot of stress.
Men often complain, she is over-reacting and women complain, he doesn't listen!
When we correctly interpret a situation it is never as bad as we thought.
Don't be a fair-weather friend!
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.
A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.
Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.
A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.
To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.
To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.
Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love - she doesn't have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.
Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.
The Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations.
The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!
The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking.
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.
Never go into a man's cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out.
To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.
Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied.
A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
Men are like rubber bands.
When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner.
It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.
A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk.
The man grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.
A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning.
A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself.
In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through.
To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom.
Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.
A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues.
A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure.
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.
Don't try to listen when you can't.
It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.
As a woman's financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.
Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
these different kinds of love are reciprocal.
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved.
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.
The best way to help a man grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.
Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element.
basic guideline, never argue!
Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it.
The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud.
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship.
Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing.
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly.
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view.
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.
Just as women need validation, men need approval.
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love.
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.
Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love.
Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day-to-day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him.
If a man has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs her love more... The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives.
When a man is in a negative state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to change him.
Both men and women can benefit greatly by remembering how differently we keep score.
Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter.
Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an essential tool.
Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind.
four levels of negative feelings (anger, sadness, fear, and regret), then comes love
Response Letters are the best way to teach a man about a woman's needs.
it is vastly important for women to share their feelings and feel cared for, understood, and respected. It is equally important for men to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted.
To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional pain. They are anger, sadness, fear, and regret.
Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives.
Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.
To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.
When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen."
If you want to G-E-T then you have to A-S-K.
On Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!"
If a woman is not asking for support a man assumes he is giving enough.
When a man hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.
When asking a man for support, assume that he doesn't have to be convinced.
Use the w words. The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.
Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
When a man grumbles it is a good sign—he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.
One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
The pain of the past is projected onto the present.
When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about 10% of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.
It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.
It is always darkest before the dawn.