Never Split the Difference

By Christopher Voss. This book can be found here. Voss talks about how some of the inter-personal skills like active-listening, empathy, mirroring and calibrated questions can take you a long way when it comes to negotiation!

Summary

Introduction

  • listening is the most active way to show empathy towards fellow human beings
  • negotiation has 2 parts
    • information gathering
    • behavior influencing
  • in all situations, both parties involved want something from the other. The aim then is to get what one wants without inflicting damage onto the other party. In this world, you get what you ask for. So ask correctly!
  • to successfully negotiate one needs to prepare first.

assumptions blind us, hypotheses guide us

  • most of us go to a negotiation with a list of points to argue. When we are talking we are putting those points across and when we are not talking we are thinking about our next points!
  • one really strong way to avoid this is to divert the full attention to what your counterpart has to say. This is active listening. This will disarm them, making the voice in their head to quiet down.
  • the goal is to understand what they really need. Easiest way to achieve this is to have them talk more!

slow it down

  • don't be the problem solver, be the people mover
  • if we come out as being in a hurry, might loose trust of our counterparts
  • slowing it down can also help in calming the situation
  • tonal modulation also plays an important role here
    • late night FM DJ voice can soothe your counterpart while driving the point across, without any escalations
    • playful, calm, relaxed voice with a conscious smile - should be your default voice
    • assertive tone - to be used rarely. It can trigger pushback.

mirroring

  • a form of imitation, whereby we copy each other in order to comfort each other
  • tone, behaviour, body language, words, speech can all be mirrored
  • this sends out an unconscious signal to the other that we are connected
  • being right is not the key in a successful negotiation, but having the right mindset is
  • confronting a pitbull will only lead to a messy scene. There's a better way:
    • use the late night FM DJ voice
    • start with "I'm sorry"
    • mirroring
    • silence (to let the mirroring do its magic)
  • language of negotiation is the one of quickly building a rapport with the other party for subsequent discussions

tactical empathy

  • really understand your audience's emotions and feelings
  • making a commitment to understand their world
  • and also hearing what's behind those feelings
  • it is a really great tool to maximize neural resonance

don't feel their pain, label it

  • how can we separate people from their problem, when their emotions are the problem!?
  • emotions are the main reason for derailment of communication
  • once people get upset at each other, rational thinking disappears
  • identify and label the emotions. Talk about them. Influence the emotions
  • labelling
    • acknowledge the other party's emotions and label it
    • it gets you closer to them without really asking any external questions
    • labelling an emotion disrupts it's effect on our brains and makes us think rationally about those emotions
    • labels almost always begin with "it seems like", "it sounds like", etc
    • emotions have 2 layers in every person:
      • presenting behavior
      • underlying cause
    • a good negotiator uses labelling in order to get to the former
    • use labelling to diffuse negative emotions and reinforce the positive ones
    • at first do an "accusation audit": label and list all negative things the counterpart would say as a response
  • other party has all the more barriers to deny your request than to agree to them. So always try to deny/remove those barriers from the discussion.
  • the quicker you deny the role of amygdala in your counterpart's brain, the faster you can gain their trust

no is the start of the negotiation!

  • 3 types of yes:
    • counterfeit - said as an escape route
    • confirmation - innocent yes to a black/white question
    • commitment - real deal!
  • 2 types of primary urges in every one of us:
    • need to feel safe and secure
    • need to feel in control of things
  • allowing them the option to say no, can give them sense of being in control
  • once they feel safe and in control, they quickly jump into finding actions
  • embrace no!
    • because if you can't cope with a no, then you can't be a good negotiator
  • if the other party is not listening to you then one option to make them is to antagonise them by asking a question whose answer is a clear no.
  • 2 sweet words in any negotiation are: that's right!
  • in order to influence behavior, we need the following stages: (behavioral change stairway model)
    • active listening
    • empathy
    • rapport
    • behavioral change
  • "you're right" is the worst word for a negotiator!
    • it means that they agree that YOU are right
    • but they haven't owned those thoughts
    • so it's hard to get a behavioral change from this point on
  • everyone of us has the urge to feel to be heard and understood. So, always create an unconditional positive regard for the party, just like how a psychologist does for his patients
  • Use summary (paraphrasing + labelling) to drive out "that's right"

time

  • we should always uncover the other party's hidden motives and irrational thoughts. Then, use those to bend their reality and also gain leverage
  • compromise (splitting the difference) is always seen to be a moral good and a win-win situation. It is not! In fact, no deal is better than bad deal!
  • we compromise because it is easy and feels safe.
  • so, never split the difference!
  • make time your ally
    • other party's insistence on deadline is only going to make you take irrational decisions
    • because we always rush for deadline
    • and that's because of the perceived consequences of not meeting the deadline
    • deadlines are almost always arbitrary and can be flexible
    • deadlines are thus the boogeyman of negotiations!
    • however, do not keep your deadlines secret from the other party, as it can only lead to impasse. Because, they will continue to wait for a better deal from you! So you're effectively negotiating with yourself!

fairness

  • if you go to any negotiation thinking that the other party also thinks like you, that is just wrong. It is not empathy, it is projection.
  • even if we guide our decision making using rational thoughts, the actual decision making is done via emotions! So, ignoring the role of our emotions in decision making is only to our own peril.
  • we can become very irrational under the percieved notion of unfairness against us. This can also be a significant motivator for us.
  • thus, use the "fair" word very cautiously. Of the 3 ways of using it, only one is right:
    • "we just want what's fair for all of us" - form of implicit accusation. Immediately triggers defensive behavior in them. If we recieve such an accusation, we should just apologize and request for a start over from where they felt it was unfair.
    • "we've given you a fair offer" - nefarious jab on the opponents. If we recieve such a statement, mirror it, followed by a labelling to try them show how it is fair.
    • "I want you to feel fair at all times. So stop me whenever you feel it is being unfair to you and we'll address it" - positive usage. Sets up am image of you as a honest negotiator. Since as a negotiator, you should be seen as being fair.

bend their reality

  • figure out their emotional drivers and then bend their reality from an insult into a victory. (eg: a babysitter provides a peaceful evening)
  • prospect theory
    • certainty effect - people are drawn to sure things rather than probability, even when the latter is a better choice
    • loss aversion - people will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains
    • anchor and adjustment effect - when the seller inflates the price and then gives us a "huge" discount
    • reciprocity effect - when you gift someone they feel the need to reciprocate in kind
  • thus, in a negotiation, show them how much they'll loose if the deal doesn't come through
    • anchor their emotions by using accusation audit. Then play it on their loss aversion
    • let them go first, most of the times. Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations first. But be careful about the anchor and adjustment effect here!
    • allude to a range in case you have to got first. Now if you offer a range, expect them to come in at the lower range :)
    • pivot to non-monetary terms - show them other benefits apart from money.
    • when you do talk about money use odd numbers. Eg: using numbers ending with zeros means you are inviting for negotiations. A number like 4751 sounds like a permanent number based on thought.
    • surprise with an unexpected gift - give them an extreme anchor and then throw a gift. This anchors on reciprocity effect
  • how to negotiate a better salary
    • be pleasantly persistent on non-monetary terms
    • salary terms without success terms is a Russian roulette - after salary negotiation define metrics for success and salary raise for future
    • spark their interest in your success and gain an unofficial mentor. Eg: by asking in an interview, what does it take to be successful here?

Calibrated questions

  • negotiation is
    • coaxing not overcoming
    • coopting not defeating
    • giving them the illusion of control
  • carefully calibrated open-ended question
    • it's typically a "how" question
    • it's an ask for help
    • it invites them to solve your problem
    • it thus gives them an illusion of control
    • it converts a confrontational showdown into a joint problem solving session
  • calibrate your questions
    • avoid: can, is, do, does. These are close-ended and there's nothing much for the other party to interpret.
    • use reporter's questions: who, what, when, where, how.
    • don't use why often. It can be offensive.
  • we will have to regulate our emotions all throughout this process, if we want to keep our hopes of getting what we want
    • bite your tongue, as in, pause to dissipate your emotions
    • collect your thoughts
    • if you're verbally assaulted, pause and counter it using a carefully calibrated question
  • negotiators are the design architects to get a verbal agreement and then to also get it executed

rule of 3 for getting execution done

  • yes is nothing without a how
    • "how am I supposed to do that?" is a really good calibrated question
    • it is a gentle but firm way of saying no
    • it also buys you time to think and regroup
    • it is a way to help convince them that it was their solution
    • once they have given a solution, summarise it back and try to get a "that's right" from them
  • you should beware of the parties behind the negotiating table.
    • some of them can have the ability to derail the agreement
    • some of them can also be the ones who'll finally implement those
    • so asking "what does your team or colleagues see challenges in this area" is very helpful
    • it takes only one bit-player to screw up the deal
  • in any negotiation, being aware of their mental state via verbal, para-verbal and non-verbal cues is very critical
    • assertive calibrated questions are an effective way to deal with jerks, instead of going brute force
  • 7-38-55 rule
    • only 7% of the message is based on words
    • 38% comes from tone of your voice
    • 55% from body language
    • in case their sayings are not congruent, label their emotions in order to unmask the real reason
  • rule of three
    • 3 kinds of yes: commitment, confirmation and counterfeit
    • trying to get them to agree to your terms 3 times
    • after first agreement, summarise the whole thing to get a "that's right" and finally ask calibrated questions like "what to do if things go off track" to get them to agree once more. Each time, try to spot any incongruous behavior
  • Pinocchio effect
    • on an average liars use more words and more third party nouns (him, then, they, etc)
    • they want to distance themselves from the lies
  • look at the use of pronouns
    • pay attention to their use of pronouns
    • the more they use I, me, etc the less important they are
    • the harder it is to get a first person pronoun out of them, the more important they are
  • Chris discount
    • naming yourself creates forced empathy and makes them see you as human
    • introduce and humanize yourself, in a friendly way
    • humor and humanity are the best way to break ice
  • how to get them to bid against themselves
    • learn to say no but without actually saying it.
      • "how am I supposed to do that"
      • "I'm sorry, your offer is generous but I can't do that"
      • "I'm sorry, I can't do that"
      • "I'm sorry, no"
      • use downward deflection during delivery

bargaining

  • don't shop for groceries when you're hungry!
  • any response that is not outright rejection of your offer means you've the upper hand
  • 3 types of people
    • accomodators
    • assertive
    • data loving analysts
  • to be effective at bargaining, you need a combination of all these 3
  • to be good, learn to be yourself at the bargaining table
  • to be great, you've to add to your strengths
  • analyst
    • methodological and diligent
    • no worries about time
    • their image is important to them
    • rarely disclose their emotion
    • they hate surprises
    • they loose trust quickly
    • they are skeptical
    • give them a chance to think first
  • accomodators
    • as long as they are communicating they are happy
    • they love the win-win
    • very easy to talk to
    • extremely friendly
    • listen to their ideas
    • be sure to talk about the implementation details before
  • assertive
    • time is money
    • love winning often at the expense of others
    • have aggressive communication style
    • wants to be heard
    • they focus on their own goals
    • they take more but give very less
    • you must listen to them first
    • mirrors are very effective of these people
    • strive to get a "that's right" from these
  • why we fail to figure their type
    • because of the "I'm normal paradox"
    • we try to project our thinking onto other people
    • that's a disastrous thing in a negotiation
  • everbody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth
    • always invite them to lead with the number first
    • when you receive it, deflect this "punch" to open up them

effective ways to assert smartly

  • don't put the anger out on the person. Instead, take a deep breath and deflect it on the proposal itself. this is called strategic umbridge. AKA offense taking with poise
  • why question makes others defensive. One case where it is useful for us is when we want them to defend for us. Eg: why would you choose to leave our existing products and services and choose our competitors?
  • choose "I" using cool and level readme way
  • never be needy for a deal (be ready to walk away)
  • always express yourself calmly but firmly and in an emphathetic way.
  • Aggression and anger will only trigger violence.
  • focus on the issue not on the counterpart.
  • Never create an enemy. Punching back should always be the last resort
  • Ackermann model (haggling system)
    • set your target price
    • first offer should be a 65% of the target price
    • calculate 3 raises of 85, 95 and 100%
    • use lots of empathy and different ways of saying no to get where you want to go
    • use precise non-round numbers
    • throw a non-monetary thing on the final amount to say that this is your limit

find the black swan

  • these are the unknown-unknowns
  • these can be game changers in negotiation dynamics as they give us leverage
  • black swans can't be predicted with the existing set of norms. They are typically beyond these
  • if bits and pieces of a scenario don't add up, then probably our framework of expectations are off
  • we must have our known-knowns guide us, not blind us for what we don't know
  • always have the beginner's view
  • unearthing of black swans requires a change in our mindset. Look at nuances in our counterparts
  • make them believe that they have the loss of the deal doesn't come through, then you have the leverage
  • 3 types of leverage
    • positive
      • ability or power we have when they express their desires/wants.
      • we can either fulfill them or deny
      • many times, by making offers sooner we give up our leverage
    • negative
      • the most common type that we know of
      • these typically threats to destroy things we value
      • this plays on our aversion to loss
      • be careful as these are very difficult to clean up. If you really want to do this, try labelling it.
      • this is because of the paradox of power - the harder we push We likely will get harder resistance
    • normative
      • showing differences in their norms/beliefs and actions
      • no one wants to look like a hippocrite
      • understanding the opponent and what they want almost always gives us leverage. For this, you must listen to them intently.
  • similarity principle
    • we trust those who are similar to us
    • belonging is our animalistic instinct
    • similarity trigger rapport
    • without understanding them, there's no way to know their dynamics, thereby gaining leverage on them
    • moments like "they're crazy" are the right places where we need to figure out the black swans.
    • Some of the mistakes behind such "crazy" moments:
      • they're ill-informed - because people acting based on incomplete info might sound crazy to those with some other info
      • they're constrained - and so they might not be upcoming about it
      • they've other interests - presence of hidden interests
  • some ways to unearth black swans
    • get facetime - very critical (7-38-55 rule!)
    • observe during unguarded moments - mostly just before start and after end of meetings
    • when it doesn't make any sense, there's cents to be made!
  • it's not the people we are afraid of, it's the conflict
  • embrace the regular thoughtful approach to negotiation and conflict resolution
  • remember that the adversary is the situation

negotiation one-sheet

  • the goal
    • typically represents the best case
    • but you should have thought about worst too
    • also be flexible towards these
    • set an optimistic but clear goal
    • write the goal
    • carry the written goal
  • summary
    • get on the same page from the onset
    • get a that's right from them after summarising
  • labels and accusation audit
  • calibrated questions
  • non-cash offers