Introduction

This very popular book by Stephen Covery teaches the seven habits that we all must inculcate to lead an effective and fruitful life. This book can be found here.

TLDR

Habit1 - Be proactive. Focus on things you can control
Habit2 - Begin with the end in mind. Define a clear goal that is aligned with your life's mission.
Habit3 - Put first things first. Prioritize the tasks apriori, instead of reacting to urgent things.
Habit4 - Think win-win. Life is not a zero-sum game.
Habit5 - Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Which helps in influencing others by deeply understanding their PoV and needs.
Habit6 - Synergize. Whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Habit7 - Sharpen the saw. Spend time in renewing your skills, acquiring new ones.

Summary

foreword

interdependence is a higher value than independence
we achieve success only when we are in harmony with the principles that govern the success itself
some of our most difficult challenges are:
- fear and insecurity (of the future) - and we become more risk-averse. But to succeed we need to be interdependent in this complex world
- "I want it all now" mentality - we need to balance between short term and long term growth
- blame and vicitimism - we should own our mistakes and work towards rectifying them
- hopelessness - caused by believing that we are the victims
- lack of balance in life - we need to have priorities and defend them fiercely
- what's in it for me? - we seem to treat everything in life as a competition. We should work selflessly with mutual respect for mutual benefit
- hunger to be understood - we want to be understood, but we aren't ready to deeply listen to others
- inability to cope with conflicts and differences

paradigms and principles

our perceptions govern the way we see, which in turn govern the way we behave
pre-WWI, success was defined by character ethic: integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, industry, patience, simplicity, modesty, etc
post-WWI, success was defined by personality ethic: public image, behaviour, attitude, skills, techniques. Those which lubricate the process of human interaction
elements of personality ethic are essential for success. But for long term, continued success character ethic is critical
what you are speaks louder than what you do
paradigm is the way we perceive the world. It is like having a map. If our map itself is wrong, no matter of we improve our behavior or attitude, we'll still end up at a wrong place
we have many mental maps or paradigms in us. They are of 2 main categories:
- the way things are (reality)
- the way things we want things to be (values).
we see things in this world not as they are, but as we are!
conditioning can very powerfully affect our perceptions and paradigms
when others disagree with our views, we immediately think that something's wrong with them
the way we think and act are based on the assumption that reality == values!
it is futile in the long run, to change our attitudes and behaviours without understanding the underlying paradigms which gives rise to these.
where we stand depends on where we sit. If we have a clear and objective pov about a thing, there could similarly be another clear and objective pov about the same thing and it might as well be just as right as yours!
paradigm shifts bring in very powerful changes in us and our society, for better or for worse.
some paradigm shifts are long and require deliberate processes in place because paradigms are inseparable from character
many of us experience paradigm shifts when we face life-threatening situation or take on a new role in life/work
paradigms are the lens through which we see our world
principles are not values. If principles were to be the territory, values would be the map.
it takes time for a baby from rolling over till the time it starts to walk and run. This is true for all walks of life.
trying to take shortcuts from these natural processes only results in frustration and disappointment
admission of ignorance is often the first step in education
to relate effectively with other humans, we first need to learn to listen properly
often times, the way we see the problem is the problem!
the more we look for quick-fixes, the more problems they'll cause in the long term
personality ethic only teaches us to look for such quick fixes
significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when those problems were created - Einstein
we need to change our paradigms, characters and motives completely in order to solve these problems
this is the inside-out approach. We should start within ourselves first.
We are what we repeatedly do. This excellence is not an act but a habit
our character is a composite of our habits
habits are like the pull of gravity. They are very difficult to break
habit is formed through the intersection of what to do (knowledge), how to do (skill) and the want to do (desire)
happiness is the ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually
maturity - it is the growth of an individual from dependent to independent to interdependent.
interdependence is about us cooperating among each other for something greater than ourselves. This is the mark of a true leader or a team player
effectiveness lies in maintaining the "P/PC balance"
remembering Aesop's golden goose story, we need to make sure that we give adequate attention to both the production and the production capacity
in our life
- production = the results
- production capacity = the asset producing the results or the ability
three kinds of assets are
- physical - P is the purpose of this asset (eg: car for transport) and PC is its timely maintenance.
- financial - our most important asset here is our own capacity to earn (P). If we don't invest in ourselves (PC), we'll end up with limited options.
- human - P/PC balance here is even more critical, as people control both physical and financial assets!
in every interaction or relation, figure out your goose and its eggs. Then earnestly work towards its P/PC balance
PC principle is to treat your employees exactly the same way as you want them to treat your customers
no one can persuade another to change. It can only happen from within
self-growth is the greatest investment, but it'll be evolutionary, whereas it's results will be revolutionary

private victory

habit 1 - be proactive

self-awareness is unique to us and we can use this very same thing to make and break our habits
we can also use this to examine our paradigms and check whether they are based on reality/principles or are they based on conditioning.
there are 3 social maps that are used to determine the nature of man
- genetic determinism
- psychic determinism
- environmental determinism
however, can these factors be the sole reason to define a man's nature?
Victor Frankl's story goes along to show that between stimulus and response, is our freedom (no matter the circumstances!) to choose the latter
being proactive means knowing that we are responsible for our own lives
our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions
we are by nature proactive. So if we become reactive in the process, it's because we have let external circumstances to control us!
highly proactive people don't blame outside things for their behavior. They know that it is due to their own conscious choice, which is based on values not feelings
they have the ability to subordinate an impulse to a value
what matters the most is how we respond to what happens to us in life.
most of the times, we know about what needs to be done. But only a few of us are willing to take the initiative to get it done
use your R and I (resourcefulness and initiative)
to be effective, we need to act and not be acted upon
this requires us to be proactive about what's our response to the situation should be
examining our own language can tell us a lot about our mental maps and our paradigms
reactive people always absolve themselves from responsibility
eg: reactive people treat "love" as a feeling, something beyond their control. Proactive people see it as a verb. Something one does, the sacrifices one makes for their loved ones
circle of concern (CoC) - list of things that we get concerned about
circle of influence (CoI) - things in CoC over which we have our influence
proactive people focus on CoI, thereby increasing their CoI
however, reactive people focus on CoC, thereby further shrinking their CoI
by working on ourselves instead of the conditions, we will be able to influence the conditions
having CoI to be larger than CoC is also an indication of myopic and reactive nature of that person too!
the problems we face fall into 3 categories:
- direct control - involve our own behavior. Can be solved by working on our habits
- indirect control - involve other people's behavior. Can be solved by working our influence
- no control - we cannot do anything about them. Eg: our past. Solved by just accepting them by their face value
oh god... give us the courage to change the things which we can change, maturity to accept the things which we can't and the wisdom know the difference
first step in solving all these problems lies in our CoI
by choosing how to respond to our circumstances, we can greatly influence the outcome
CoC is filled with the "have"s
CoI is filled with the "be"s
anytime we think that the problem is "out there", that thought is itself the problem!
we are free to choose our actions, but cannot choose the consequences of those.
if we chose a wrong response and if we now regret about it, then that's a mistake.
thus, both consequences and mistakes are part of our CoC.
to be proactive, it is important to admit our mistakes instantly, learn from them and correct ourselves.
proactivity is mainly governed by our ability to make and keep commitments and promises.
this also gives us courage to be responsible for our own lives

habit 2 - begin with the end in mind

what lies behind and before us is nothing compared to what lies within us
it is easy to work harder and climb the success ladder, only to see that it is finally leaning against the wrong wall.
it is possible to be very busy without being effective
by keeping end in mind, we have a clear destination, a core set of values in mind, that guide us everyday along a clear path
all of us create things twice: first in our minds and then physically
if we don't consciously design this thing in our mind first, then we'll end up having other people or circumstances to dictate it for us
if habit 1 says "you are the creator", then habit 2 is the first creation
management is doing things right and leadership is doing the right thing
more often parenting and also our personal lives, we are into day-to-day managing rather than thinking about where we are headed
having a personal mission statement is very helpful (as it is determined by keeping end in mind)
at the center of your CoI is your personal mission statement. It is then expanded by working on these 4 interdependent factors:
- security - your sense of worth
- guidance - your source of direction in life
- wisdom - your perspective on life
- power - your capacity to act
by starting to work on these factors, you gradually expand your CoI
many of us center our lives on wrong things. Eg. Self, spouse, family, work, money, possession, church, etc. Maybe even combination of these things and over time. Solely depending on these factors to derive our sense of self-worth can hurt our security, guidance, wisdom and power.
our sense of security, guidance, wisdom and power are drawn from these centers which are not derived intrinsically, but from external sources
hence, it always is superior to live life centered around principles that don't change under circumstances
this should be the center of all the other centers mentioned above.
with being principle centered, you don't act based on people or circumstances.
most of us tend to dominantly use only one half of our brain. We need to cultivate the habit of assessing the situation and accordingly using the right tool to solve it
specifically, our world is becoming increasingly reliant on left-brain usage.
to change our behavior, use the affirmation process. Vividly imagine the scenario and then script out your behavior during that scenario. Repeat this exercise for multiple days.
define your roles and goals in each of your role. They'll help provide a clear structure and direction to your personal mission statement
if there's no involvement, then there's no commitment

habit 3 - put first things first

things which matter the most must never be at the mercy of things which matter the least
manage from the left, lead from the right
organize and execute around priorities
there are 4 kinds of activities on which we spend our time:
1. important-and-urgent
2. important-but-not-urgent
3. not-important-but-urgent
4. not-important-and-not-urgent
To be an effective self-manager, your discipline should be a function of your independent will
Effective people stay in the quadrant 2. They also completely avoid not-important tasks (Q3 and Q4)
effective people are not problem-minded but are opportunity-minded
by staying in Q2, we think ahead and prevent problems from being crises (thereby moving to Q1)
to be able to spend more time on quadrant-II we should learn to say "no" to other things, even the apparently urgent ones
by centering on the wrong things, we keep getting pulled into Q1 and Q3 all the times
a Q2 oriented tool should focus on
- being coherent - with P/PC balance, personal mission statement
- maintain balance - between all your roles
- focus on Q2 - thus instead of scheduling daily, it should help plan on a weekly basis
- add a people dimension - as sometimes we have to surrender our schedules to people
- flexible - tool is your servent, not the other way around
- portable - easy to carry around
organizing for Q2 involves:
- identifying roles
- defining goals for each role as per priority
- scheduling tasks weekly
- adapting the tasks daily
be effective with people and efficient with things
so, at times we have to submit our schedules for a higher purpose. But since we will be principle driven, we should be able to do so with ease.
key to effective management is delegation
trust is the highest form of human motivation, but it takes time and patience

public victory

paradigms of interdependence

you can't be successful with others if you aren't successful with yourself
building relationships is a time-consuming process
- understand the individual
- attending to the little things
- keeping commitments
- clarifying expectations
- showing personal integrity
- apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal from the emotional bank account
when you defend those who are absent, you earn the trust of those who are present
it is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor for the salvation of the masses
in interdependent situations, every P problem is a PC opportunity

habit 4 -

you can't get the fruits of cooperation from a paradigm of competition
you can't change the fruit without changing the root
different approaches in human interaction:
- win/win - seeks mutual benefit of all involved parties. Very essential when the environment is highly interdependent
- win/lose - most of us are primed with this competitive mentality. This prohibits cooperation
- lose/win - seekers of acceptance. But it makes them cynical and depressive
- lose/lose - typically happens when 2 win/lose people confront each other
- win - one who always wants to win. doesn't necessarily care about whether other person loses or wins
- win/win or no deal - if both parties can't come to a mutual agreement it is better to walk away.
which approach to use always depends on the situation. However lose/lose is just not viable. If this situation is about interdependence then win/win is the best, but with the option of walking away if no conclusion can be reached
many times we think of win/lose or lose/win as win/win. It is very important to accurately identify them as these can cause problems later
five dimensions of win/win
- character - integrity (with our core values), maturity (balance between courage and consideration) and abundance mentality (there's enough out there for everybody)
- relationships
  - through strong character we develop healthy relationships
  - this matters a lot when dealing with a win/lose person
- agreements
  - definition and direction to win/win results
  - win/win agreement has 5 elements:
    - desired results (not methods)
    - guidelines or frameworks within which the above results are to be produced
    - resources to help accomplish the results
    - accountability to track performance and evaluate success
    - consequences of evaluation (good/bad)
  - it can only come out through successful character and relationships
- systems - reward systems must be aligned with the goals and values
- processes - win/win results are achieved through processes that are defined in habits 5 and 6

habit 5 - seek first to understand, then to be understood

all of us learn how to read, write and speak. However, very few of us listen!
we listen with an intent to reply!
levels of listening
- ignoring
- pretending
- selective
- attentive
- empathic (seeking first to understand, without any judgement)
sympathy means to agree with the person, whereas empathy is to fully understand them without necessarily having to agree with them
what is satisfied will not motivate us
next to physical survival is psychological: to be understood, to be affirmed and validated
diagnose first before you prescribe
because if you don't have confidence in the diagnosis, you won't have confidence in the prescription
if we listen always from our PoV, we either only:
- probe - ask questions from our frame of reference
- evaluate - agree or disagree
- advise - based on our experience
- interpret - figure our people, their motives etc
when emotions are involved such a logical left brain approach will only end up emotional bank withdrawal!
skills (tip of the iceberg of empathic listening):
- mimic content - literally
- rephrase the content - in your own words
- reflect feeling - focus on what the other person is really feeling
- reflect and rephrase
in order to work with the vast differences between our perceptions it helps when we seek first to understand
finally, knowing how to be understood is also equally important in arriving at win/win solutions
seek to understand requires consideration
to be understood requires courage
right sequence for an effective presentation is: ethos (character), pathos (feeling) and logos (logic)
when you listen, you learn

habit 6 - synergy

synergy means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts
it means to respect the differences, build on the mutual strengths while compensating for each other's weaknesses
working without synergy is like driving with one foot on brake and the other on gas
uniformity doesn't mean unity!
essence of synergy is in recognising differences and valuing them
in order to achieve interpersonal synergy once must first perfect intrapersonal synergy (eg: approaching life from both left and right brains)
because life is not just logical, it is also emotional
remember "we all see the world as we are, not as it is"
it is possible that we both the see the same situation but have different opinions on it and yet both be correct
for any change there'll be:
- driving forces; which are positive, logical, reasonable, economical
- restraining forces; which are negative, illogical, emotional, psychological
unless we work directly on these restraining forces, just the driving forces aren't enough. It's like pushing against a spring!
you can be synergistic with yourself even in a hostile environment. Eg: you don't have to take insults personally

renewal

habit 7 - sharpen the saw

following are the 4 dimensions of renewal:
- physical - exercise regularly in order to build endurance, flexibility and strength. It also helps us to be more proactive.
- spiritual - renewal of spirit, people do it very differently: prayer, meditation, music, etc. "greatest battles of life are fought daily in the silent chambers of soul"
- mental - continually educate yourself. We shouldn't let our minds atrophy. Write regularly about your thoughts and feelings
- social/emotional - to help sharpen the saw for habits 4,5,6, in achieving public victory
the person who doesn't read is no better than the one who can't.
how are we reflecting to others? Is it just what they are or what they can be? Sometimes, the way we treat or our belief in other people can have significant influence in their lives
to keep up with the upward spiral of renewal, we must continually learn, commit and do; over and over.